1) I want to become a machine, an Army ROTC cadet who goes to LDAC and scores in the very top of the pool. I feel I can only accomplish this if I live closer to campus so that I don't spend an hour commuting each way, can get more sleep out of the night, and can live a spartan existence. What I mean by that is having a place where my only distraction would be my computer, which is necessary for productivity purposes. I don't want a TV that sucks me in for hours just because we get the channels I like watching. I don't want somebody else around all the time, making me feel obligated to devote time to them or interact with them. I feel like I'm a very solitary person, a lot of the time I don't want interaction with others, but what kills me is how I can feel like that most of the time and then have such an intense yearning to be with others that other percentage of time.
2) I want more control over my own life. I will admit it, I'm a control freak. I've become much better at reminding myself that I can't control everything and I need to let things slide sometimes, but I really don't like having to take care of the dishes because others are lazy, having to decide what to do for dinner because I can't just go to the caf, having to do other's laundry, buying groceries for others. I don't have much money and I don't like spending it because I feel obligated to help out. Living with others I have a "special connection" to puts extra demands on me, I feel like I don't have control over what I have to do, or need to do, it's hard to communicate. If I am living by myself I won't have to help others out unless I choose to, not out of obligation.
3) I feel like I'm maturing in ways that I can't put a finger on. Conversation with others comes more easily now, like I've come out of a shell and continue to come out of it day by day (though there are times, like today, where I feel enveloped by my past). Because of this, I'm establishing friendly relationships with both female and male classmates. There are particular relationships with females I'd like to pursue, friendship would be great and carnal knowledge would be even better, but I'm not thinking like my friends, who are looking for the one and done, I'm looking for a relationship that is meaningful. I feel like staying with my girlfriend would be like settling; we are so different. Don't get me wrong, we are similar, too, but the differences outweigh the similarities.
I have good reasons. But I feel so ashamed because I've spent so much time with my girlfriend, so many good things and so many bad things. She probably knows me better than anyone else, save maybe my brother. She is at an age where she could start to be considered an old maid. The last thing that I would want to happen is for us to break up, then she gets depressed again, moves back to OK and lives with her parents, gets an arranged marriage. You see, I want to stay friends with her, I cannot continue this masquerade much longer. I hate it when she tells me she loves me, because I know she loves me more than I love her. I feel so ashamed. I need to improve myself and be all that I can be, but I can't do that with her...
Such a dilemma.
Am I evil for doing this? I'd like to think not, but I just don't know. Everyone moves on, everyone has to suffer loss, I just feel so horrible because I know she will take it harder than I ever could. It will hurt her more than anything. It is something I need to do, but until I have a chance to forget about it, I will feel so bad about it.
If anyone is actually following this or has read the above, I'd really appreciate your opinion.
Forever After - Paradise Lost
