Visiting Home

This place carries an oppressive weight. Heavy, overbearing, inescapable. Reminded of better times, reminded of worse. This is why I avoid coming here, the pain is too much. Put me through PT, put me through Pershing Rifles hazing, put me through Ranger, Air Assault, or Airborne schools, that I could do. This place...so beautiful yet so dirty, so boring. I'm pulled in all directions, unable to focus. I feel stuck in a catatonic state. I want to get up and rectify this, this taunting mess of artifacts of a previous life. I'll be so glad to see my sisters off to college, to escape this hell, where I know they can do better for themselves, they can finally shed the burden of this sick oppression. This place is evil. An illusion that sustains itself through the life-force stolen from its inhabitants. This negative energy, manifesting itself through dirty, disorganized islands of clutter and space, rips through me like the chorus of this song ("my letter"- Flaw). Thinking all night about the places I'd be had I done a little bit more, what is next for me to learn? It's cold...I always remember being cold. Wherever I have been, this curse follows me, silent, stalking, stealing my energy. And the smell, the pungent odor of neglect, hope, sadness, happiness, yelling, screaming, crying, laughter, work, SILENCE...I hate this, I hate this nostalgia, the memory, the constant reminder of all this years of pain. I have seen too much at my tender age. This is more than murder, more than discrimination, prejudice...and I know others feel it too, this drowning oppression. At least with the aforementioned there is a greater sense of black and white, the why. Here has no rhyme or reason, and I know others feel the same. Where is my guardian? Where is my protector? What is supposed to make us mammals is the supposition that mammals care for their young, what are we then, reptiles? Left alone to fend for ourselves, left alone to learn life's lessons, left alone to discover the weight of life...something one should gradually learn to shoulder, not be forced to carry at 16, 14, 10, and 7, for when too much force is delivered over too little a time, the force cannot be supported. Thank whatever god or gods there may be for what little network of family we have, for without them we surely would have fallen deeper into the dark abyss. I envy with great magnitude my peers who never had to live the way I did in those high school years. That dark time, that medieval period. Everybody had a fucking soccer mom, everyone seemed so privileged. I hated those that pretended they didn't have luxuries as much as those who knew they had them and flaunted them. My pain they will never know. "I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress, handful of anger held in my chest, and everything left is a waste of time...I hate my [writings], but I hate everyone else’s more. I’m riding on the back of this pressure, guessing that it’s better, I cant keep myself together because all of this stress gave me something to write on, the pain gave me something I could set my sights on. You never forget the blood sweat and tears, the uphill struggle over years, the fear and the trash talking, and the people it was to, and the people that started it...I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress, handful of anger held in my chest. Uphill struggle, blood, sweat and tears, nothing to gain, everything to fear" ("Nobody's Listening" - Linkin Park). Everything to fear, how appropriate. I feel constantly like the proverbial rug I stand on will be ripped out from under me at any moment. I've worked so hard to have a new life at the university, but I cannot shed this past. I cannot live for the day and look toward the future with the same conviction others can. My life has been a series of defeats, rarely has something been on my own terms. Always forced, always pushed, always for the satisfaction of others, never for myself. Is that so selfish? Sure, cynics will always argue and try to discredit, but that can't change my pain, my feelings (I fucking hate that word), my past. What have they suffered, what is so hard for them? They chose their difficulties, they chose to do the APs and sports, they weren't forced into those decisions. They have no right to criticize me, they have no right to say their life was harder than mine. What was the hardest thing they had to deal with? An old grandmother's passing? It had to happen sometime, fool. Did they have to see their family torn apart at the seems? Did they have to go from a lifestlye of comfort and decent priviledge to bankruptcy and constant fighting?
This is why I need to be strong, for my sisters. This is why I need to become a psychologist, to help others who feel the same way. To show them light is at the end of the tunnel, to show them they can overcome immense emotional and psychological anguish.
With this song I close my mind for today:
(I wish) To flee and to be gone... detached from myself
(I want) To see clearly what's beyond the dreary and cold walls within my head

I exist in desire in my dark haven
I long to cleanse my soul of regrets

All I want is you to be there
and no longer feel dead inside
I'm in love controlled despair
Wish to sleep and leave all behind

(I wish) To set free and to forgive... An illusion of myself
(I want) To breathe and to truly live without the claws, the claws within my head

All I want is you to be there
and no longer feel dead inside
I'm in love controlled despair
Wish to sleep and leave all behind

I exist in desire in my dark haven
I long to cleanse my soul of regrets

All I want is you to be there

All I want is you to be there
and no longer feel dead inside
I'm in love controlled despair
Wish to sleep and leave, leave all behind
"Love Controlled Despair"-Poisonblack

My iPod knows me well

The End of Heartache | Give it All | Nobody's Listening | Iris | Stay on the Ground | Lost Souls in Endless Time | It's Going Down | Duck and Run | My Letter | Where Do I Hide | Running Out of Days | This Time's for Real | Error: Operator | The Zephyr Song | Mr. Brightside | The Truth About Heaven | Adam's Song | Otherside | My Last Breath | Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades | Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends | I'm Alive | Handguns and Second Chances | Sound the Surrender | The Game | Crying Shame | Whole | Go it Alone | Chop Suey | Blood Clots and Black Holes | Code Red | Better Than Me | New Beginnings | Given Up | Talking of Michelangelo | Stratosphere | Fortunate Fool | Go | Alive | All These Things That I've Done | Stare at the Sun | Pieces | Look Away | Diary of Jane

Five points if you can tell me the artist for every song listed